This Tangled Web

Reflections in a bucket!

kate.swift — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 06:31:15 +0000

This last week as some of you will already know, myself and some of the other trustees had a new experience… collecting for the charity in a local supermarket with our charity buckets! This was always going to be a learning curve as we had never done this kind of collecting before.

So I find myself standing near the exit of the store wearing my t.t.w tee-shirt and my best smile. We were there of course to try to raise some funds (which we did) but we were also there to try to raise awareness to. It was satisfying to me to see many different people reading the wording on our buckets… and knowing for maybe even just that moment we have brought the words ‘Childhood Sexual Abuse’ into there awareness.

A few people read the bucket and responded with an “aawwww” and a donation… many of course totally ignored us as is usual for charity collecting. We had some good conversations with a few people who were more than politely interested in the charity. One lady just told us we were doing a great job… and that was nice! A few people took away our website address and wanted to read more. Another lady had missed a support group that had closed years before and was pleased to connect with us and went away considering coming to our coffee mornings.

The only single negative that came up out of the whole experience was a comment to one of our trustees from her work colleague. On explaining what she was going to be doing and why… the lady replied “Aren’t you worried that people will think you are a survivor” !!! Comments like that can if I’m not careful make me (a survivor) feel like an alien… however these are the very attitudes and opinions that need changing. & believe you me our trustee did some educating in that moment ;0)

For me I had a moment of personal reflection as it dawned on me that 10 years ago standing in Asda with a bucket saying ‘Supporting Survivors of sexual abuse’ & Raising Awareness would have been like asking me to fly to the moon. It was nice to have one of those moments where you see how far you have journeyed. All over again I am so thankful for the people who are on the journey with me.

We also had some moments of humour… Wednesday morning we woke up to heavy rain… so when I met my friend and fellow trustee at the bus stop… I couldn’t help by say “I bet you’re so glad you became a friend of mine” … “Look at this new life experience you are getting today” …and we both had to smile!

I also had quite a long conversation with a member of the Asda Staff, this lady organises the charity collections. I was asked to tell her all about what ‘This Tangled Web’ means etc. When I shared some of the statistics of C.S.A she was hearing them for the first time. It was lovely to be told that they deal with many many charities but felt ours was different… and for this lady in particular it had touched her heart and she wanted to help any which way possible.

I always knew this past week was going to be a learning curve… it was a good learning curve. Standing in the supermarket rattling a bucket of coins… is also standing in a supermarket rattling people into awareness of C.S.A… is also standing in a public place declaring why we are standing there, that others who may need us will know we are right there. What a powerful tool our buckets are to us… and we cannot wait to go through the whole experience again in the near future.

“Stepping out of shame and into the future” A one day workshop

kate.swift — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 08:59:31 +0000

A Workshop for people who have experienced sexual abuse and for those that support them:

“Stepping Out of Shame and Into the Future”

A relaxed and friendly environment where we will come together to learn, share and support each other.

Aims:

Break out of isolation and meet others in a safe space
Understanding the impact of the past on today
Giving back the shame of the abuse
Rebuilding trust after betrayal for better relationships
Gaining support around attraction and sexuality
Acquire insight into re-empowerment and boundary setting
Develop strategies for a hopeful future
Safe for Survivors: Relevant for Partners and Professionals

Please note: This workshop contains no graphic details of past abuse

Date: Saturday 27^th October 2012
Time: 2.00 pm – 5.00 pm

Venue: Kensington High Street, London W8

Cost: £35/£30/£25 (includes refreshments and handouts)

Partners, friends, support workers and counsellors also very welcome.

The workshop is led by a Survivor and all Facilitators are professionally trained in counselling and group facilitation.

BACP and ACC ethics apply.

Concessions for partners/unemployed/students/groups

Comments by people who have attended our past workshops:

“You were able to put into words the things I have had to overcome”

““My partner’s understanding of my situation was greatly helped”

“I found the session helpful in my professional development”

“It was such an amazing day… My second time, and I will come again”

Email Rebecca at info@intothelight.org.uk or see www.intothelight.org.uk

Survivors Coffee Morning (Fortnightly) Twickenham

kate.swift — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 07:08:55 +0000

Please email us for further details: tangledweb010@yahoo.co.uk

The lottery we don’t want to play!

kate.swift — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 01:21:06 +0000

Today I spoke to an adult survivor, in her 40′s and she said she was ready to get some help for the past which was weighing her down so badly… what a wonderful and brave decision she has made… how does society honour and support her decision to get help for something which was not within her control… where is the specalist help… I was one of the lucky ones, after a few not so great counsel…lors I had a fantastic person who helped me more than ever, sadly now it has become even more of a lottery, in terms of what help you get and for how long… this really needs looking at from a government level… people seem to often forget that these children grow up and have to live with this legacy… surely as a society we should be doing all we can to help them restore their lives… instead the perpetrators seem to get more help than the victims… it is so distorted!

‘No man is an island’

kate.swift — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 09:01:56 +0000

To quote that famous line by John Donne (1572-1631) … ‘No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main’ Now I may be mis-representing what John Donne meant in this famous quote however my understanding of it is as follows… As survivors there is alot of talk of surviving, healing, thriving, moving on… but equally alot of talk of sinking, giving up, had enough, can’t do it… and I understand both sides of this fence because I have been on both sides myself. What I have come to learn in a pretty painful way is that we owe it not just to ourselves but to those around us who love and care about us to take care of ourselves. You may feel like you don’t have friends or family that care for you… but maybe just maybe… in the street where you live you mean something to someone without even knowing it… maybe a lonely person sees you going to the shop at a set time and it makes them feel comforted just to see you… maybe you said hello to a stranger at the bus stop and you were the only person who spoke to them all the day. If you are fortunate enough to have family, loved ones who care about you… you owe it to them to take care of yourself, to strive to heal… you owe it to yourself too of course but we can easily lose sight of that. Sometimes in our own pain we fail to see the cost of our suffering on those who love and care for us. It is hard to watch someone you care about slipping, it is hard to not take it personally when they tell you they don’t care if they make it or not… not to feel like they don’t matter to you as much as they thought they did because they feel like you would willingly leave them. I speak this all from experience, when I was recovering from a near fatal overdose. Friends would walk into the room and just burst into tears… and the pain of seeing them in pain, knowing I had caused that pain, I can tell you was excrutiating, nothing less than that. I was extremely ill at the time, and I needed help… nothing wrong with that. I just wanted to remind you all that YOU MATTER… if you don’t matter to yourself right now, you matter to others, even if you don’t even realise it. ‘No man is an island’ we all need one another… your family, your children, your friends, strangers even… they need you. You have a duty of care for others as well as for you… and sometimes that duty of care means looking after yourself, getting it together (with the right help and support) … so you can be the best you can be… for you and for them. I have thrown many a ‘pity party’ but their comes a time when you need to make a choice… to move on, move forwards… for the good of everyone.

A Tribute To ‘Grandad’

kate.swift — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 07:08:09 +0000

I must begin by saying ‘Grandad’ is not my grandad, he is my oldest and dearest friends grandad. But he is also the only grandad figure I ever knew in my own life through my friend. Nan and grandad are salt of the earth kind of people as I described in my book. They live a quiet life and they love their family. Two things which I always loved about them when I was growing up, my life was neither quiet or at times very loving. They both refer to me as ‘Sophies little friend around the corner’ as when I was growing up, I did live just around the corner. But this continued after I was grown up and had moved… and I always liked the reference, it was familiar and it was said with love. I liked being a ‘somebody’ to nan and grandad, they always made me feel like a ‘somebody’. Its not even that I saw them regularly, not by any means. Its more like having a beautiful vase of flowers in the room and you catch their sweet scent every now and then. Through Sophie, nan and grandad have always felt like a constant beautiful vase of flowers in my life for the last 26 years. Each Christmas my card is signed ‘To Sophies nan and grandad… love from Sophies little friend around the corner’. On Saturday grandad moved on to a better place I hope, with no more pain or suffering. I just wanted to pay tribute to him here… to a gentle man and to the only grandad figure I ever knew. My thanks to Sophie for letting me share in a part of that, I am forever priviledged and enriched by the experience. Grandad can fly so high now, freed from the pain he never deserved, soaring so high because he is loved down here very much.

Tap, tap, tap

kate.swift — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 21:45:37 +0000

Last week I had a long discussion with someone, who pointed out to me that my charity is trying to raise awareness of a topic that people do not like to think about, that my charity is not a ‘desirable’ charity to inspire fundraising and lastly that we already have -big- charities whose aims are to protect children. I have to say that nothing angers me more than when someone tells me this topic is un-desirable… of course they are right… it -is- undesirable, in that it is tough, sad, makes you feel angry, makes you sometimes feel overwhelmed, etc etc… all those feelings that we would rather not feel. However people who have had to live through sexual abuse did not get a choice… they -have- to live with and think about what happened because it happened to them… they do not have the luxury of being oblivious… of turning a blind eye… of choosing not to consider what goes on in society. For all of these reasons and more I will continue to tap on peoples shoulders and ask them to consider the un-thinkable… because until we all do things are not going to improve. What society seems to forget is that children who are abused in childhood grow up… they become adults, husbands, wives, partners, mothers, fathers… where is the support for adult survivors? I believe adult survivors are often forgotten about. ‘This Tangled Web’ is here for adult survivors, we are here to offer help and support in any ways that we can. We also care about protecting future generations which is why we go into colleges etc with our important message of awareness. The person who told me that my subject matter is un-desirable for people to want to think about, just did me a favour… because its comments such as this which fuel my fire to continue the work we have begun. Like I said survivors do not have the luxury of being oblivious and it makes me angry that others feel this problem does not belong to them. One of my favourite sayings is an old African saying ‘It takes a whole village to raise a child’ this speaks volumes to me… if T.T.W can make a difference for one child and one adult survivor well then it has all been worthwhile. Being oblivious is not an option. I am proud of my -undesirable- charity who refuses to be ignored ;0)

Permission to be selfish… granted!

kate.swift — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 19:36:59 +0000

Even I find my title a little shocking! …however let me explain it… many of us are ‘people pleasers’… many of us care -so- much, almost in some cases too much… many of us will go all out to help someone else, sometimes at the expense of our own well being. We have a need to please, a need for approval, a need to simply feel needed. I am certainly one of those people, or I would like to say that I -used- to be one of those people. Absolutely nothing wrong with any of the above if the balance is right and we know our own worth.

Some weeks back I had something of a personal revelation and it felt pretty darn good! I was walking down the road and I overtook this man who was slightly unsteadily walking in front of me… I thought absolutely nothing of it until the man called out my name… I turned back and looked, and then I looked again and slowly realised that the person I had walked past was my first love. I have seen him in passing before as we don’t live that far away from one another, but not regularly. I have to say that he looked in my opinion dreadful… he looked too thin, gaunt in the face, some ‘war’ wounds from falling over (my 1st love was a binge alcoholic) I didn’t know until I was head over heels! I was 18 years old, I was going through hell at home and here was someone who lavished me with attention and made me feel wanted… and I hadn’t felt wanted in quite some time. I thought he was all I needed to be okay… how crazy is that! …crazy but true! Looking back with the eyes of time and more maturity I realise that I actually made things okay for him, whereas in the main he made life pretty tough. So he called me… I turn and realise its him, I said hello and then I told him he was looking too thin, because he really was! I was pretty shocked and very saddened to see him looking worse than I think I have ever seen him before healthwise. He then proceeded to tell me that he -needed- me, that he was a mess and that he needed me because and I quote “you would look after me and I need to get off the drink” … here comes my personal revelation… !!! My reply was “If you are aware that you are in a bad place and need help… then you can go to your DR, go see a professional and get the help you need. Now maybe to some reading this that will sound a bit harsh but for me it was quite something. Those heart strings were tugging, until I tugged them right back under control and I asked myself… when will he ever help me? …when I needed him where was he? …who is going to take care of me? …the answer is… ME – I AM … for someone who has been abused and spent a long time with her self esteem through the floor, for someone who was such a people pleaser… trust me that was a revelation! I granted myself the permission to be selfish. I protected my heart from further heartache, I protected my body from further potential domestic violence, I protected my mind from all the torment that goes with trying to help someone who will not help themselves. Yet even as I type this a little part of me would love to think I could be the rescuer for him… but I chose to rescue myself… permission to be selfish…granted! It does not mean I don’t care, it doesn’t mean I’m not sad for him and his situation, it means that I have enough sense of self to know that I am actually not what he needs to get well… he needs drive/determination/desire in the pit of his stomach to overcome his drinking demons… I cannot give him that, I could however make myself ill whilst trying to. I have done that in the past and this won’t be a case of history repeating. I care about him… but now I also care about me!

I have posted this on facebook several times in recent months, I don’t know who the quote is made by but its a brilliant quote to end on… If you’re not being treated with love and respect, check your price tag. Perhaps you’ve marked yourself down. It’s YOU who tell people what you’re worth by what you accept. Get off the clearance rack and get behind the glass where they keep the valuables! Bottom Line: Value yourself more! If you don’t then no one will. I’m priceless!! Are you?

Pure Oxygen

kate.swift — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 03:29:16 +0000

Last week as I was signing out of facebook I made the following comment in our survivors support group which was… ‘Sometimes survivors are like pure oxygen to me’. I said it in a heartbeat and have spent time since thinking it over…and my conclusion is how true this is! I remember the first time I -knowingly- met with other survivors… hearing the other stories was difficult and yet just knowing they knew a lot of what was making my own self tick was a comfort. With fellow survivors you can say alot… without having to say alot. You are allowed to feel any which way and they are the one group of people in my life who have never said -just get over it-forget it now-stop talking about it- why is that? … because they know what it is to live with this kind of past. They understand how we don’t have the luxury of being oblivious or choosing to ignore things as those around us can and often do. It is so healing to hear another survivor say something which you have thought or felt for many years but never been able to express. To see another survivor doing really well can give the rest of us hope when we are in need of it. It gives us some energy to fight on because we can see that what they have is possible for us too. To see another survivor struggling makes us want to pick them up and set them on their feet again… because we have been down in the place to which they have fallen. When life is making you feel suffocated… other survivors really are like pure oxygen. I for one am so thankful for each and every one of them. I know my world would be a much more isolated place without them.

Putting it off until tomorrow

kate.swift — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 23:33:45 +0000

A few weeks back I was sitting on a very busy rush hour train, as I sat in my seat (thankfully I had one!) …I glanced down at the floor and suddenly my eyes brimmed with tears… the man sitting opposite me… in his smart buisness suit… was wearing the exact same shoes my dad wore for many years. They are a specific style called ‘Brogues’. Isn’t if odd what sets you off, on the otherhand it isn’t odd at all for those are the everyday things… everyday life …background scenery… and then you lose a person and those background things seem to be the things which bring the tears. It seems silly and yet I know that actually it isn’t silly at all. It is a long time since I wrote a blog, I feel like I have been putting it off for months… and I know I am doing the same with the grieving process… being too busy to grieve and yet I can feel it catching up with me, as all these really important events do. Which is why it is never a good idea to block and avoid them… I don’t seem to learn my lesson fully on that score tho! I have been so busy and kept so busy too, too busy to grieve. I have reasons in my mind as to why I must not grieve, why I may not be entitled to grieve… but it catches up with you… just sit me opposite the man in the Brogues! I am still fighting the tears back as I write this blog, to grieve feels too final, grieving is saying goodbye and I’m not ready to say goodbye, I feel like a stubborn child, stamping her feet and saying “no, i’m not going to”. Yet I’m increasingly aware that I am brimming with emotions that I just keep holding back the tide on… the danger is one day that same tide will sweep over your head and almost drown you! So I guess this is part one of trying to gain some control of it! Saying goodbye is accepting that my little girl – the little girl inside of me will never have a ‘daddy’ and she always wanted one. My dad wasn’t ever a ‘daddy’ if that makes sense. Its another reason why part of me feels I have no right to grieve because we weren’t close. The most emotionally connected I ever felt was when he was very poorly and very needy. It saddens me that my little girl will now never have a ‘daddy’ all the time he was alive… she could hope for one… even tho it was never going to be so. I am already telling myself that I don’t want the year to change to a new one… because my dad lived in this year and he won’t have lived in the next. Of course I know that people live on in our memories and our hearts etc, but that isn’t the same. In the last few years of his life, he was extremely limited and almost totally dependent on the people around him…and many times over I vented my frustration on how I felt it was so degrading for people to have to be here when they are so so limited… I think you have to be faced with that situation to understand that. Yet when his life ended… it was devastating. Its hard too to watch those you love around you in pain. I went into ‘little miss fix it’ mode, trying to ‘fix’ peoples discomfort and distress… all the time I have put mine on hold… but its finally catching up with me. It seems such a cruel twist of fate that a father to 7 children, 7 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren passed away on fathers day. Right now I would love to be too busy to grieve… but it seems to have caught me up… time to swin that tide I guess. It feels extremely lonely and yet here am I sharing my thoughts in a public blog! All I can say is he wasn’t a ‘daddy’ but he was my dad… I loved him and I do miss him. He wasn’t perfect, far from it… but then no one is perfect.