“You will feel better than this so just keeping living until you feel alive again”

~

A wise woman once said ‘just cos you don’t want to live,doesn’t mean you want to die’

Depression…On The Edge…

This page includes a lot of poems containing suicidal thoughts and feelings…it is not to glorify the idea of suicide, far from it. It is to help people have an insight into the mind of someone who at the time of writing was suicidal. I hope it will help people who are feeling low to feel that the thoughts they are having are not beyond understanding…and also you can get beyond them. You go beyond them not by taking the ultimate way out but by seeking and sourcing the ‘correct’ help for you. You do not feel better over night, it is a long journey and some days I lived moment by moment, contemplating an hour was too much. Live in each single moment and you will find you have done the day. If you ever feel like there is nothing left for you…there is…you just haven’t found it yet. I also understand now how much the ability to reason is so unbalanced when you get to the point of feeling suicidal. Please see our resources page for further organisations that may be able to help you too… http://www.thistangledweb.co.uk/need-help-now/

Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever…

Sometimes our feelings can overwhelm us, depression can feel like it is swallowing us up into a dark hole that we will never climb out of. Sometimes these feelings can drive us to feel that the only options we have left are desperate measures…if you are feeling like this I want you to know that help is waiting for you at the end of a telephone line. Please speak to somebody…this is not a forever thing…it really will pass…but right now I know it doesn’t feel like it is ever going to change…that is why if you feel that way I would urge you to get some help. You can contact any of the links or telephone numbers below…

PLEASE STAY SAFE…YOU MATTER…YOUR LIFE IS WORTH IT…YOUR SITUATION WILL CHANGE.
PLEASE STOP AND READ THIS… http://www.metanoia.org/suicide

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ALL OF THE CONTACTS BELOW ARE TRAINED & WAITING TO HELP YOU…

NHS 111 service

The Samaritans
TELEPHONE: 08457 90 90 90
OPEN: 24 Hours a day
EMAIL: jo@samaritans.org

Saneline
TELEPHONE: 0845 767 8000
OPEN: 6pm – 11pm 7 days a week

London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard

TELEPHONE 0300 330 0630 OPEN: 10-11pm or  email help chris@llgs.org.uk

Supportline
TELEPHONE: 01708 765200

No Panic

Anxiety Alliance

FOR THE UNITED STATES
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
TELEPHONE: 1-800-273-TALK

If you are feeling suicidal, you should speak to your Doctor or you can also go to your local Hospital A&E Department.

UK 24 -hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline 0808 2000 247

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Myths about Suicide (Samaritans Article)

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/myths-about-suicide

~

 ~If someone is sad and depressed don’t tell them to snap out of it or fight it just be a friend make them laugh and let them know its okay~

~

How to help me when I am depressed… By Penny Smith

Don’t tell me there are others worse off than me. Although it’s true, it does me no good to hear it right now. Instead tell me that I am not alone; that you’re here for me.

Don’t say ‘well life just isn’t fair.’ Of this fact I am well aware. Simply let me know that I matter to you.

Don’t act weary of me, as if I’m always depressed. You have no idea how hard I fight it. Reassure me that depression is a very real condition and that no, I am not going crazy.

Don’t chastise me and tell me that I’m just feeling sorry for myself. I already feel like an inconvenience. Empathize and offer your help, even if it’s just a hug.

Don’t tell me I need to try harder. I already feel like I’m at fault. I don’t need guilt heaped upon me. Instead, encourage me to be kind to myself and reassure me that I’m doing the best I can.

Don’t tell me you know how I feel. No one can truly know what another person is feeling. Just offer support and compassion.

Don’t accuse me of trying to draw attention to myself. Believe me, there are other, less painful ways of seeking attention. Tell me that you care and that I won’t drive you away.

Lastly, don’t offer pat answers. Those are to make you feel better, not me. The best thing you can say is that you’re sorry I’m hurting. The best thing you can do is—be there for me—open, loving, without judgment.

~

Can I slip away?

Can I just drift to sleep for a final day

If you knew how I felt inside

Would you try to stem the tide

Of sadness and pain

Tired of feeling this way time and again

If I told you I feel broken in two

Would you make me feel less broken, could you?

Can I slip peacefully away tonight?

Whisper peace to me…that everything is alright

What if I said I feel ripped apart

That pain rules every cavern of my heart

Tell me there is something better beyond today

Melt all of my chaos away

If I told you I feel so alone in a crowded place

That I long for a reassuring face…

Can I slip away?

~

~

FLOWERS IN THE DESERT

Tell me they’ll be flowers in the desert

Something to pierce the darkness of my deepest hurt

Can something new grow where weeds strangle everything in sight

A dawning to cancel out my night

Can flowers grow on barren land

Can I create anything good from his hand

Would anything want to grow on the land I have created

Or is everything diseased, twisted, dying, suffocated?

~

I cannot express the jumble in my brain

The hectic thoughts a continual drain

The churning feeling deep inside

An uneasy sense of red alert that makes me want to hide

My legs feel like they are about to drop

My head is busy oh so busy, refusing to stop

Pain down my neck and tension in my shoulders

Little obstacles look like mighty boulders

Body so tired and weary

Eyes staring blankly all teary

Where can I find me?

~

~

I am plummeting the depths of the dark ocean

Emotionally drowning in slow motion

Lungs filling up with despair like in times gone by

How do I breathe whilst I sob and cry

Who can rescue me now the rescuers leave one by one

Where is the surface, where is the sun

Where is my shoreline, where is my safety net

I have not seen hope yet

I’m way down in the depths of the deep

Where one can only sigh and weep.

~

Where do you go when your heart aches in a way no Dr will understand?

Where do you go when you need to be alone and yet want to hold a hand?

Where do you go when the silence is too silent but the noise in your mind drones on?

Where do you of when you want to fall to pieces and not be told to be strong?

Where do you go when the winter in your soul seems to have no end?

Where do I go?

Please tell me where I go

Where do I go now the winter in my soul seems to have no end.

~

Don’t know what to do when I feel this way

You have heard already the things I need to say

I just want to be loved that is all

Intense is the pain and hard is the fall

It hurts so much but I can’t make you see

Its not the physical pain that is crushing me

I need someone to take my hand

You have not walked my path, you cannot understand

How the memories invade my dreams

How they make my day fall apart at the seams

I’ve cried so hard until no more I can take

It hurts too much to stay awake.

~

~

Can I rest here with you for a while

Can I borrow a smile

Need shelter from the rain

Can you help me to carry this pain

Would you lend me hope, I mislaid mine

Lost in the chaos of time

Can I share your light, mine has gone out

Will you remind me once more what life is about

Can I rest here with you today

I seem to have really lost my way.

~

My mind is like a stormy sea

My thoughts crashing back and forth like waves

There is no peace

My mind is like a whirlwind

Spinning round and round making me dizzy

There is no peace

My mind is like a tornado

Destroying and unsettling all in its path

There is no peace

My mind is like a car in the dark with no headlights

Not knowing which way to turn next

There is no peace

My mind is like the sky before sunrise

Waiting for the light to illuminate the darkness

& peace to rise again.

~

~

BROKEN PIECES

Tonight I looked at the cup on the floor

Smashed, cracked, shattered, broken and of no use anymore

In that cup I saw myself, the way in which I feel inside

Smashed, cracked, shattered, broken

I cradled that cup within my hands and I cried.

~

Cried so hard I thought I would choke

Coughing so hard like lungs full of thick black smoke

Sobbing into the darkness, drowning in agony

Heart feels like someone has fiercely punched me

Punched right in the chest taking my breath away

I am choking on life this very day.

~

~

Feeling totally desolate tonight

A wasteland in my soul with no nourishment or light

An aching feeling that eats away and eats away

That does not allow for rest or play

No words can cover the intensity of my pain

Like high winds and lashing rain

I feel soaked, soaked to the core

Drenched in pain, how much more?

Desolate tonight

No nourishment or light.

~

So easily

So very easily

So simple

So plain

Beckons the answer

So easily

So very easily

So plain

Beckons the answer…

To my pain.

~

Bits and pieces…

Are my head and all that is mine

Bits and pieces…

Is where I am today

Bits and pieces…

Have drifted away

Bits and pieces…

That is my heart after a knife

Bits and pieces…

That is my and that is my life.

~

Feelings as fierce as fire burning in my soul

Screaming that I will never be good enough, never be whole

Good times fade fast and mistakes are on repeat

& Hope lays dead…dead at my feet.

~

I reach up but there is nobody to catch my hand

The ground beneath my feet feels like sinking sand

Choked with pain bubbling inside

Looking for a shelter in which to hide

No arms to hold me or catch me should I fall

Little girl all grown up, feeling so scared and so small.

~

~

Tell me why I must wait for a new day

Tell me why I have to stay

Tell me it will be worth it in the end

Tell me the road is straight after this bend

Tell me why wait for tomorrow at all

Catch me…no do not catch me…please let me fall.

~

I want to die because you did those things to me

I want to die because I know I will never be free

I want you to know the way I feel

This is not a game, this is for real

I want to take myself away

So I don’t have to face this one more day.

~

Things feel wrong somehow today

I want to curl up tight and hide away

If I step towards the feeling, tears begin to well

Hide me, keep me in a hard shell

Away from this world with its pressures and pain

Away from myself, mind feeling chaotic again

Things feel wrong today although I look alright

Tired from a troubled sleep, a lonely night

Smiling at you but inside I want to cry

Feel like I could scream but I don’t know why

I feel like I am looking for myself, lost in a haze

Going round in circles, going stir crazy in this maze.

~

Take it

Have it

I don’t want it

Take it back

Listen to me

I don’t want it

I don’t want this damn life

~

So easily, so easily

Those tablets could take me

Easy to take, hard to resist

I resent being born for this

The torment of those pills

The answer to my ills

Could I really be free…so easily?

~

Not today and not tomorrow

I’m done, I’m feeling so hollow

Nothing to hold on for, I think I will let go

Today…tomorrow…NO

~

How is it that you can see hope for me

I think I am useless, a nothing, so unworthy

I see nothing in tomorrow

But the reflection of yesterdays sorrow

I do not want to live on

I feel so weak and yet you see me as strong

I have no desire to get better, no desire at all

I want to die, I want to fall

How do you see potential in a mistake such as I

Why can’t you understand my desire to die

Why do you have time for me and place in me some worth

I curse this day and I curse my birth

Tablets to make me well again

I don’t want them, I want to escape this pain

Do not speak of hope to me, I don’t want any hope

To take myself away from here is the only way I can cope

But you show me kindness, you try to show me a different reality

How is it that you can see hope for me?

~

Nothing matters anymore

Nothing can get me

No one can leave me

Nothing matters anymore

Nothing can hurt me

No one can crush me

Nothing matters anymore

Nothing is greater

No one can stop me

Nothing matters anymore

Nothing can make me lose

Nothing can make me win

Nothing matters anymore

I am heading for the exit

I am finding the final door

Because…

Nothing really matters anymore.

~

Stupid Life

You make me so sad

Crazy life

You make me so mad

I hate what you do

All the things you put me through

Curse you life and curse this damn day

I don’t want to live this way.

~

WEATHER WARNING

On the exterior she is calm and okay

Inside a hurricane is building day by day

Waiting to destroy anything in its path and more

Yet on the exterior all is calm but inside she

just cannot take anymore.

~

If life is like a flower, mine has no colour anymore

It has no purpose, it is living but I don’t know what for

I cannot smell its sweet perfume

The beauty is always gone too soon

Others admire the flower but I do not see what they see

I want to snap the stem, snap the life in me

I despise the flower before my eyes

The thorns cut deeply as the flower slowly dies.

~

Don’t you want to live, to be alive?

To see the sunset and the sunrise

To feel the rain on your face

To discover a new place

To become a parent, a mum

Don’t you want to live, dare to believe

To learn some more, to achieve

To watch the children grow up

To drink from life’s cup

To see winter turning into spring

To be loved and to be loving

Don’t you want to grow old

To discover things of which you’ve been told

To walk in the park on a sunny day

To find a new and better way

To see those things you’ve not yet seen

To wish and wonder, to build a dream

WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO LIVE?

~

The sun was bright the day she died

But she felt torn and twisted inside

The day was hers, full of possibility

But she felt anything but free

Friends told her it would be okay

But she woke each morning and cursed the day

The sun was bright the day she died

She drew her last breath and peace reigned inside.

~

I cannot wait in this pain

Feel like I’m drowning again

I can’t ignore it, can’t push it away

Can’t contemplate doing another day

& I wonder what it is like to die

Countless are the tears I cry

I want the world to leave me alone

I want God to take me home

Need to be released

Into the arms of death, arms of peace

Tired of trying

Of pretending, fighting, struggling, crying

Let me go

Life’s hell continues to grow

I don’t care to be here anymore

Don’t tell me things are worth living for

The demons of the past hold me bound

Maybe no cure can be found

I’m not killing myself to hurt anybody

Its not about them, its about me

It is totally and unforgivably selfish

But I want this one wish

Its okay for me to go now, its fine

I’m tired of time

So tired.

~

HAUNTED

By the memories, by the shadows of my life

By the broken dreams and broken promises

By the hand that touched without permission

By the hand that slapped and punched me

By the people whose words burnt into my soul

By the child who never got what she needed most

By the child still lost, still searching

By the man who said he loved me and lied

By the parent who never hugged me

By the mummy who threatened to leave me

By my mistakes

By my failings

By my own shattered dreams

By my failed relationships

By words said in anger

By moments of madness

By times I cannot recall

By the times I can

By who I hoped to be and who I am

I am HAUNTED.

~

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Out of the Box

Across the car park broken legs, fractured bones, sores and wounds all treated accordingly

Now for the fractured minds, broken dreams, sore relationships

The emotional casualty

Tell me why one department is socially acceptable, whilst the other is taboo

Don’t squeeze us into a box

Don’t make me a label

Don’t dispose of us in your mind

You have no idea what people have been through

Physical casualty – emotional casualty

One and the same

Fixing people in distress, tending to the sickness

And releasing them from pain.

~

The Impact of a Mental Health Ward Stay

New admission to the ward…

Which label or category?

Which ‘box’ can we fit this one in?

Bipolar, Depression, Schizophrenia, BPD?

The bad, the desperate, the sad

Once you have a label we know which pills you need

If you are feeling ill in between times…

If you are struggling…

Just don’t bother us and please keep it neat and tidy

if you should bleed.

~

A Lump of Clay

Shapeless and cold

But ready to be used

Full of potential

To become something useful

Something beautiful

Life…

Like that shapeless lump of clay

Waiting for energy

Waiting for inspiration

Can become useful

Can become beautiful

Some will look and just see a mass of ‘clay’

Some will look and just see the ‘mental illness’

But YOU are a masterpiece in the making.

~

 I know there is nothing I can say, because if you are reading this it is because I have finally left this physical daily battle. But it means I have left you which you will feel I chose to do and I guess I did… although you were never the problem, you were the sunshine moments that kept me here so long. I feel I need to give an explanation but I cannot give one. I don’t know how to explain what I do not understand myself. Life scared me so much, the future scared me and was ever before me like a mountain to climb with no hands or feet. Please don’t hate me, I loved you. Please don’t ruin your life because I ruined mine. It was nothing you did or did not do; it was very selfishly all about me. My head has been feeling like a blizzard lately and at times I have found it hard to think straight. Think of me as one tiny pebble on a beach, thrown into the sea… you cannot see me or find me but I am out there somewhere… always and most of all… I loved you. Do the living I was too scared to do… live for both of us. (2005)

~

If you are experiencing thoughts and feelings like the ones expressed here in these poems, it is really important that you tell somebody such as your doctor…or go to the ‘Need Help Now’ page for links and telephone numbers of organisations skilled and ready to help you with how you are feeling. You really are not alone in how you feel and people are waiting to help you mend.

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Copyright © Kate Swift 2013. All Rights Reserved.