She wants someone to call her angel
Someone to put the light back in her eyes
She’s looking through the faces
The unfamiliar places
She needs someone to hear her when she cries

(Song Lyrics By ‘Big & Rich)

One of my biggest struggles in therapy was learning to listen to and accept my inner child. Everyone has an inner child whether he or she is wounded or healthy. I spent so long hating mine and blaming her, I was so angry with her that it took me a long time to be able to look her in the face…also I was so scared of the pain I would see in her face…that is why most of my art therapy and clay pieces you will notice do not have features just blank faces.

Can I give to you my badness, will you take it away from me?

Will you explain to the little girl that she can go free

Can I tell you what happened without looking at the floor

On those well guarded secrets can I open the door

Can you help the little girl to see who is really bad

Hold her in your arms when she is feeling sad

Can you take her to a safer place

Will you look her in the face

You must believe in her and tell her she isn’t to blame

Tell the bad girl she is good and begin to dissolve the shame.

~

REFLECTIONS

To look into your face, to look into your eyes

To see what he did to you and to realise

That you were just an innocent, powerless kid

To think about what he put you through, the things he did

To look into your face, to look deep inside of me

I’m scared of what is inside and I do not wish to see

Because I am terrified, terrified of who I really am

Terrified it will never change, trying to believe it can

To look into your face and see your hurt and fear

To recall your thumping heart whenever he came near

To think about how he violated you and the physical pain

To think about judging eyes and the sting of shame

You see what it means to look her in the eye

I know I need to embrace her but can only cry

I know she is relying on me to pull her through

Tell me though I feel so helpless…tell me what I can do?

~

MY CHILD/MY ENEMY

I weep for her, I weep for my little girl today

For the freedom and innocence she had taken away

I want to embrace her and yet struggle so much to do so

For she is not quite the little girl I wanted to know

Yet the two of us fight to live all in one being

I know from my captivity she needs and deserves freeing

I dare not look her in the eye because pain stares back at me

All that he did to her, I do not wish to see

Yet I cannot leave her all alone, she is so young

She looks at me wide eyed and asks me what she has done

How can I be angry with one so young and small?

Oh help me please to rescue my child from such a painful fall.

~

~

The truth is I am so angry, I don’t even want to look at you

Or to accept you even exist and are a part of me too

You make me feel so rubbish deep within

You remind me of the past, you remind me of him

If I could cut you away from me then I would

I want to silence you, if only I could

You were not the child you were supposed to be

You are an aching reminder

A symbol that neither of us are who we wanted to be.

~

I hear you screaming inside of me

I hear you screaming to be free

I know you did not want what happened to you

I will call to account for what you have gone through

I know that you are tired, tired as hell

Tired of hiding within your shell

Little girl I hear you shout

I know what it is all about

I hear the pain and I see it on your face

I know you are scared in this place

Stop it little one…

Stop struggling

Stop holding back the tear

You will not find any condemnation here.

~

Little girl who is going to love you if I don’t

Who is going to show you acceptance if I won’t

I realise I am the only one on which you can depend

I know you look to me for your battered heart to mend

The only person who truly knows what you endured in his hand

The only person who can totally understand

Little one you scare me and you sadden me through and through

Yet all you have is me and all I have is you.

~

My heart is walking in the wilderness

Passing through memories, dreams, flashbacks

Was I really born for this?

Walking this place so barren and stark

Even the morning here seems so dark

I can hear nothing but the sound of breaking

As my heart is ripping, splitting, aching

I run to every corner of this place

Mine is the only face

My feet are bare and bleeding, worn almost to the bone

I look up but the sky holds no stars, I am truly alone

I search for a friend, I search for some relief

In searching I find myself cold, tired and awash with grief

I walk on a little further and there I find a grave

My inner child is buried there, no longer fighting and brave

She lies forgotten in the ground, gone is her day

Gone is her moment to be a child again, to play

I fall down on my knees and weep bitter tears

For her stolen innocence and lack of years

The earth is cold, dusty and dry

Only silence meets my screams of why

Once more I rise to walk the wilderness

Passing through memories, dreams and flashbacks

Yes…I think I was born for this.

~

I want to rid myself of you

For the things you have done and continue to do

Why were you born, you wretched being

I cannot have compassion for the way you are feeling

You did it, nobody else

Now you are scared to take a look at yourself

People will tire of your moods and tears

Are you going to stay like it for years

Why don’t you cease to be

Go on, set me free

You are a horrid little girl

Stop twisting my world

I do not want to look at your face

Yet you are within me at every place.

~

Anger flowing through me, threatening to spill out

Needing to be angry, to scream and shout

Tell me how to spend this energy

This power, this force, this poison bubbling in me

So angry and yet so hurt too

So furious and yet so calm with you

Like a wounded animal lashing out because it is suffering

A wounded child lashing out because of HIM

Anger, so much anger more than I can show

More than I would want to know

Destroying him…no destroying my child

That anger is driving me wild.

~

She was innocent, she was complete

She was whole, she was a child sweet

She was forced, she was manipulated

She was abused, she was ill fated

She was innocent, she was complete

She was whole, she was a child sweet

She was held down, she was his toy

She was hurt, she had to endure for him to enjoy

She was innocent, she was complete

She was whole, she was a child sweet

She was blamed, she was rejected

She was emotionally neglected

Was she innocent?

She was

Was she complete?

She was

Was she whole?

She was

Was she a child sweet?

She was.

~

Grown

Adult

Independent

Responsibilities

Do for self

Get for self

Make for self

Be strong

Be capable

Little

Girl

Inside

Weak

Lonely

Crying

Abandoned

Alone

Over and over.

~

IN DEEP

Do you know how much remembering hurts me?

Do you know how I long to be free?

I want it so much because it hurts real bad

The little girl inside me makes me feel so sad

I get to the point where I don’t know what to do

I don’t want to listen anymore to what she has been through

I want her to be quiet and yet I know she hurts so much

She needs my hugs but is tainted by his touch

All the remembering makes me feel so much pain

She reminds me time and again

I want to cut away the little girl who continues to weep

I want to cut away the memories that go deep

& I am more scared than you will ever know

The fear just seems to grow

The little girl is too much for me, too broken, too in need

How is it I can help her when I too continue to bleed.

~

Give her a chance, give her a chance to thrive

Give her what she needs to do more than just survive

Give her a break, she deserves one from you

Give her loving care, she is hurting too

Tell her that you understand, you know she did her best

Tell her she has nothing to prove to you, let her rest

Tell her you love her and that she matters in your eyes

Tell her you want to hold her when she cries

Take her from her place of pain

Take her into life again

Take her from her shattered past

Take her to a place of peace at last

Hold her and show her you honestly care

Hold her and let her know you are there

Hold her and dissolve her shame and regret

Hold her abused body and never forget

Make her the person she was born to be

Make her free

Make her realise she does have worth

Make her glad to be alive, stop cursing her birth

She is a child who was innocent and is innocent still

A child who was captive to his will

A child who did no wrong

A child who in your arms will be strong

You can…heal her

You can…heal her

You can…heal her

YOU ARE HEALING HER.

~

TESTING WHAT IS TRUE

I get so lost for words, tell me what to say?

I want to take your pain away

I want to remove the thorn from your child size heart

So many things are wrong, where shall I start?

Mummy loved you and didn’t really mean those things you heard

You must not own what she said, let go of every poisonous word

Words said in a moment of anger have bound you up so long

She called you a bad girl and she was so wrong.

~

When does she get released to go free?

That little kid stamping around inside of me

She screams and wonders why and weeps

Finds no place of rest, no peace in sleep

When does she get told I do love her so

That she is free to be herself and free to go

Locked in the darkness, held a prisoner in shame

Frozen by pain

When does she give it all back to him

& Choose not to drown but to turn and swim

To rise above her chaotic beginning

To defeat him and be able to say she is winning

When does she get accepted, told she is okay

Let out in the light to play

Embraced, forgiven, restored and made new

Feeling as good as you or you or you

When does she stop feeling robbed of something so personal

When can she hold her head high and walk tall

Told she has rights and has great worth

Made to feel glad for her birth.

~

LITTLE-BIG GIRL

She is there although you cannot see

The little girl inside of me

She tells me I am weak but I am strong

She tells me its abusive hell but I have moved on

She tells me she wants a family but I can stand alone

She tells me she needs someone but I can make it on my own

Because I will cover my ears when she speaks

& I will cover my eyes when she weeps

I refuse to look back at yesterday

Or she will have got her own way

You cannot see her and I am glad

You cannot see how I am bad

You see the smiles and I dry my own tears

You see the smiles and laughter as I mask the fears

Tell me though, will she always be…

A little girl lost inside of me?

~

Nothing can console the child who weeps bitter tears

Nothing can return to her those stolen years

Rip my heart out and let me be at peace

In the field of nightmares there is no release.

~

MY BABE

Oh my babe what is happening to you?

Has someone done you wrong, what did they do?

The roses in your cheeks I’ve watched them fade and die

Now through walls I hear you cry

I want to warm your heart that is encased in ice

For what do you pay this price?

Concern and frustration lingers

You are slipping, like sand through fingers

Oh my babe are you lost forever?

~

I walk into the room and there she is, my little girl on the floor

Curled up in the nightshirt which in impatience he tore

Her eyes are cast down to the floor, looking anywhere but at me

She is locked in a world of fear, I don’t know if I can set her free

Her long brown hair is tangled and twisted, it hides her face

Shame and silence is all I trace

Her arms are folded, wrapped around her tight

Her body hurts inside and out…

She cannot tell me what he did to her last night.

~

MY SURVIVORS CREED

1. I will not deny your existence

2. I will not deny your joy and pain

3. I will not ever hold you responsible

4. I will never forgive your abuser

5. I will never wish ‘him’ any violence as both you and I hate violence

6. I will create opportunities for you and us to be a child, to be excited

7. I will honour how you survived by helping others to survive

8.Whilst I will not forget the abuse, I will strive to move on from the shadow of it

9. I will speak up when I can

10. I will not allow what you went through to be minimised

11. I will strive to give you what your little heart craves

12. I will use the pain you have suffered to release others from theirs.

~

“Truly realizing you were once a little child and then realizing that no one was really there for you hurts so much, but is such an eye opener and allows you to understand so much more about yourself. It allows you to realize it is okay to be sad for yourself just like you would for any other child and allows you to begin taking care of you like you always have wanted someone else to” …Wendi Nolan Brincken

“I think sometimes we do need to almost grieve for our lost childhood or the lack of protection but the other side of accepting how small and vulnerable we were also allows up perhaps for the first time ever to see that what happened ‘to’ us was not within our power to stop/prevent/control etc but we can spend a lot of time feeling like we should have/could have done something about it…no actually we could not…children are innocent, they need adults to protect them” …Survivor Quote

“In the early years of my recovery from incest, I bought myself a little black and white toy panda bear. I named it Bandit and when I was hurting but didn’t want to be touched, I would hug that stuffed bear to me and give it the love that I couldn’t give to myself at the time. I slept with that bear for at least 2 years. My husband was a sweetheart and never teased me about it. It helped me to comfort my scared inner child. It gave me something to hold on to until the worst of the fear and the pain was over. I still have that bear even though I don’t sleep with it any more” …Patricia Singleton

                                                      By Lindsay Greenwood