Self harm is a temporary relief from immediate pain but ultimately it is another thing which traps you…it can become habitual and very difficult to stop doing. I have feelings of self harm a handful of times a year now they have not gone altogether. However I know it is not a healthy or a helpful way to deal with feelings such as the ones I describe below. I would urge you not to hurt yourself but to find other ways of managing the things which make you want to self harm. For more information and help on self harming please see my links page.
You comfort me
Comfort as blood I see
You do not hurt as I break the skin
A kind of peace flows within
Release for too many emotions inside
But another scar to hide
Yet you help to numb my pain
You allow me some escape time and again
~
I feel no physical pain today
As I make the emotional torment fade away
As my arms become red, I feel nothing but anger inside
As I create yet more scars to hide
I don’t care about the damage done to me
Because the harder I hit…the further I push these
emotions away from me.
~
I need a razor blade to release the pain
Cannot stand to feel this way again
Need to cut so deep because it hurts more than I can say
I think about taking myself away
What would it mean to the other me
How crazy to think I could be free
I hate myself and I see no release
When will this hell cease?
~
You make me so angry, I want to do something stupid
To make you stop treating me like a rebellious kid
I want to cut my arms until they bleed and bleed
I don’t need you, from you there is nothing I need
Maybe if I took myself away then power would at last be mine
For you to treat me as you do there would be no more time
You make me feel so angry within
Why do I have to see him
I wish I had the courage to swallow lots of pills
To release me from all of our ills.
~
I’m back in this place again
Rage has risen above the pain
I just feel tired and empty now
Once again I fail
Nothing seems that important anymore
I have even forgotten what I was so angry for
Looking around I should feel bad
But I am just so sad
I don’t even feel what I have done
I want to be alone, yet part of me needs someone
All i have are a few more scars to remind me…
I am still not free.
~
Not a cut but relief from the pain
Not flowing blood but silent flowing tears
A stinging angry cut
A stung angry heart
Its what I am…ugly
Its mine
I did it
I will probably do it again.
~
Look at my bleeding arms and see
See the pain pouring out of me
See the confusion and bewilderment
The anguish of abandonment
Look at my bleeding arms and see
That I still am not free
Free from him who caused my pain
Free from the memories which remain
Look at my bleeding arms and see
I am not who I long to be
Moments past are etched in my mind
Words that hold you, words that bind
Look at my bleeding arms and see
The pain pouring out of me.
~
If I cut then he has hurt me again
Too many already are the scars of his pain
Yet I feel so many different ways
So much anger remembering childhood days
I don’t know what to do with all these things I feel
Need and want to cut
Need and want to heal.
~
~
I want a knife
I want to cut
I want to let the pain seep out
I want to cut through it
I want to cut all the badness away
I want to cut all the anger away
I want to cut all the chaos away
I want to see blood
Red and raw
To see it and not to feel it
To no longer feel the pain inside
To feel relief instead
& Leave my torture dying and dead.
~
Broken Pieces
Tonight I looked at the cup on the floor
Smashed, cracked, shattered, broken
Of no use anymore
& In that cup I saw myself, the way in which I feel inside
Smashed, cracked, shattered, broken
& I cradled that cup within my hands and I cried.
~
“But I know like many other coping mechanisms that I am not alone, and I am not weird or dangerous, I have just developed a mechanism to help me feel, or to punish myself…in some strange way to make me feel better. The good news is that being aware of them may not make me stop all together, but makes me recognize when I am doing it and then I have the choice to stop, and many times do stop…for that moment” …Wendi Nolan Brincken
“I have done many things over the years to cope to heal to survive and I believe that although they are seen as wrong by society so is what happens to us survivors the pain and trauma we suffer at the hands of others is unbearable at times” …Survivor Quote