All I can say about the time of my disclosure is that I hope things have changed a lot in the years since then. I would not want any child to have the case treated in some of the ways mine was. I feel I was failed by different people on different levels at a time when you need those people the most. I only told because I felt totally trapped and could see no other way out, otherwise maybe I would never have told, I cannot know.
(Right in the middle of that spiral is a little
girl that I drew in pencil…you can just see her)
~
I tried to tell you in a language without words
Tried to show you what was happening to me
Tried to open your eyes and willed you to see
To come and rescue an eight year old from the pit of abuse
From something I did not control or choose
For you to restore to me what was rightfully mine
I grieve for my childhood, you only get one in a lifetime
I wanted you to save me, to be strong
To protect me furiously and assure me he was wrong
To stop him abusing me year after year
I screamed so many silent screams…
Why didn’t you hear?
~
I wish I was talking about the weather, current affairs or anything
Not about what he did to me, I don’t know how to talk about him
I wish I could just tell you and not feel the fear and pain
I wish I could look you in the eye but I am crippled with the shame
I think so little of me therefore you would think it too
You might smile and say the opposite but I know what is really true
If only I could tell out the secrets of my soul
It would break his grip on me and I could at last be whole.
~
DISCLOSURE
H-ow can I tell you what he is doing to me, I can’t
E-xcept in ways without words
L-isten, why won’t you listen to my silent plea
P-lease I want him to stop, make him stop
M-y mind is in agony trying to work out what to do
E-asy, no it is virtually impossible to have to tell
P-eople, all these people that now know, I am ashamed
L-iar, he is twisting the truth
E-motionally I am so exhausted
A-ngry, confused, torn apart inside
S-he is making me leave, does not want me anymore
E-ating me up inside is the thought of him still with her
A-ll I wanted was for him to stop
N-obody can understand me, nobody
Y-ou say it is for my own good these case conferences and meetings
O-nly I cannot tell you what I want
N-obody listens to me, nobody
E-verything is out now and worse than ever.
NO ENTRY
Please don’t open up that room
For it will always be too soon
If only you could hear its tormenting sound
Protect me, save me or I will drown
Shut the door and lock it tight
Then I am safe from the wounds of the night
Saved from being in his hands again
Sheltered from the pain
The wounds are always raw and the shadows always fall
I can face nothing and I can face it all.
~
BREAKING THE SILENCE
Who will believe me, who will listen if I tell
They cannot understand and I want to hide inside a shell
The thought of a life inside me makes me feel so wild
I could not be a mother to his child
What will happen to me, what will happen to him
Whichever why I turn it all looks so grim
Surely its my fault, my own stupidity
The only person to blame is me
If only they know it wouldn’t be a secret anymore
But it is hidden away behind a locked door
I want to ask him why
I want someone to hold me when I cry
I cannot tell, not today
Tomorrow, yes tomorrow I will tell
I wonder if tomorrow really will be the day I
break the silence?
~
Mothers to be and mothers with babies in their care
Looking at the school girl waiting there
In the place of joy and motherhood
Trying to accept the prospect of a baby, no she never could
All adults but for the girl in that place before her time
Foolish girl so they think, knowing nothing of his crime
& You have probably never felt shame like it in your life
The looks that cut her bleeding heart with an assuming knife
Why was she there in school uniform with the babes and mothers to be?
Her years of abuse, violation and rape they did not see
Still she was so cheap in their eyes
Yet she is just a babe herself for who self respect and dignity dies.
~
“Do you remember when you were a kid and fell down and scraped your knee? That moment where you had to decide to wash out the pebbles and dirt and germs is kind of like the moment you try to “stay in a memory”. Its going to hurt like crazy, and it will be horribly unpleasant, but you MUST do it. You MUST wash away the infection, clean out the parts that need care, and help the wound to heal”…Jess Reece