A silent movie inside my head…I was abused by a sibling for almost half of my childhood years. It began when I was 8 and he is just a few years older than me. Sometimes I really fought hard to not let him do it to me and sometimes I was tired and scared, I just let him win. When I told I was rejected by family and he was protected by family. Nobody around me talked about what happened and I tried to make sense of it and get some feelings out initially through writing…writing these poems and just writing how I felt. I always wanted these poems to be used for good someday and I hope this is the day. I also read as much about the subject as I could get my hands on…I needed something to identify with…I needed to not feel so alone. I will list some of the books that I have found really helpful on my links page.

 

See the child half clothed on the floor

He did it to her and he has done it many times before

See the child awake and so afraid in the night

Because he would come and pin her down so tight

See the child crying herself to sleep again

He does not care for her feelings, she is drenched in pain

See the child wondering if she holds within her another life

She wants to die…tablets…razor blades…a knife

See the child who is battered and bruised

With the invisible scars of the abused

See the child who once was a babe in her mothers arm

How did she come to so much harm?

~

THE RAG DOLL AND THE PRINCESS

She is his object, a play thing and nothing more

She is his rag doll to pull around and then dump on the floor

She is a something until he takes what he wants, takes it all

She is his rag doll, set up to fall

She is a means to an end, there for his taking

She is his rag doll from a nightmare never waking

She is his filthy, squalid secret, one never to tell

She is his rag doll trapped inside hell

The rag doll wants to be a princess one day

To be rescued from hell and taken far away

To be given a new dress untouched by him

To be sterilised from all his filth and sin

To be innocent and to be sweet

To feel like a princess, all lovely and complete

To be seen as something more than a rag doll

To be un-abused, un-touched and gloriously whole.

~

YOU

You make me feel sick inside

You make me want to curl up and hide

You make me feel afraid and alone

You make me feel unknown

You make me feel like the worst thing on earth

You make me feel like I have no worth

You make me feel like I was a mistake

You make me feel like I was yours to take

You make me feel angry…calm but angry

You make me feel like I am not free

You make me want to draw blood from my skin

You make me feel the need to cleanse from within

You make me feel sick inside

You make me feel like a part of me died.

~

WHEN THE MORNING COMES

In the dark of the night she is asleep in her bed

Stuffed toys around her, one beside her head

Her school books scattered on the floor

Teen idol posters blue tacked to the door

In the dark of the night she is woken from her sleep

Woken by someone’s twisted desire that will not keep

Her school books scattered on the floor

Beside the nightshirt which he tore

Stuffed toys around her, one beside her head

As she sobs into her pillow and wishes she was dead

When the morning comes she is a child again

She dresses in her school uniform and buries the pain.

~

The poison you injected me with age eight

When you abused me and sealed my fate

It courses through my veins to this very day

I don’t think it will ever fully go away

It is like a dirty stain that I can never clean

A dirty, cheap, squalid feeling mostly unseen

Sometimes it hits me like a punch in the face

& I feel like the lowest object in the place

Why did you ever lay your hand on me

Why couldn’t my little girl be free

I would give anything to be clean again

To feel normal-free-sane.

~

The scars you gave me I carry everywhere

The haunting chill of your stare

My childhood snatched away

Through abuse, not innocent play

A human doll, picked up and thrown back down again

Pinned down by the past, crippled with emotional pain

I was a puppet and he held the strings

I watch children at play so care free

I cannot say it was like that for me.

~

PICTURES & PRETENCE

I look at the photo, you were raping me back then

It is a school photo and I was nine or ten

I guess you would say a typical girl like any other

Your average family, sister and brother

Yet nothing in my life was average in your hands

Much of my time was about you and your demands

Just a child in a photo…

Guess they’ll never know.

Mummy mummy he is coming I need you to rescue me

Mummy mummy where are you I need you now to help me

Mummy mummy his sleepy eyes are scary, my nightshirt is torn

Mummy mummy hold me in your arms, every part of me hurts

Mummy mummy can you hear me calling out your name?

Mummy mummy wash away my shame

Mummy mummy where are you, I feel so alone

Mummy mummy guess I am on my own.

~

Thinking about what you did feels like its happening all over again

Like my wrists are pinned down and I am locked in your repulsive game

Its like you are here and I am a child once more

You held me against the wall, you pulled me to the floor

& Suddenly this place does not feel like home

& Suddenly I don’t want to be alone

Its like any second now you will walk in the door and over to me

From this hell in my mind, let me be free

Every tiny sound in the house is ringing in my ears

Everything is back again, all that I feared

Thinking about what you did to me feels like its happening all over again

So real are the memories, so fresh is the pain.

~

Brother mine I beg you to let me go free

Why me, why me?

Brother mine don’t…please don’t touch me there

Don’t pull off my clothing and leave me bare

Brother mine you know this is wrong

You are hurting me, your grip is too strong

Brother mine please, please don’t force my hand

I don’t, I cannot understand

Brother mine you leave me in pain

Please don’t do it to me again

Brother mine in my mind are what if and why

When you have finished I can do nothing but cry

Brother mine I was your little sister, a child like any other

Now I am little more than nothing and you cannot be my brother.

~

THE FIGURE IN THE NIGHT

All my dignity you stole away from me

The signs people failed to see

You pulled me around, your grip so tight

Haunted by you each night

Pinned up against the wall, I was his fool

I now wake in the night and gaze at the ceiling

My dreams are haunting and causing bad feeling

Will the torment end

Will my battered heart mend

The dream closes in around me

The touch of you strong in my memory

Your hands all over me, the panic inside making me choke

A figure in the night, the darkness for a cloak

His body forced upon mine

Cold shivers down my spine

I can feel his breath

I want death

My wrists are finger marked

My body aching

My soul is on fire

My child size heart breaking.

~

AFTER ABUSE

My innocence gone

My soul bruised

My laughter shadowed

My pain increased

My fear intensified

My trust broken…

A part of me gone forever.

~

Did you hear me say NO, did you feel me resist you?

Did your memory fail you when you said it wasn’t true?

I feel sick when I remember, I feel like that girl all over again

I want to cut myself to feel a different kind of pain

One that I can live with more easily…

Whilst walking to the day when I am free.

~

I want you to know there is no reason or excuse

To make me forgive abuse

To make me forget or feel sorry for you

It has been hell through and through

Stolen innocence, a thief in the night

Nothing can ever make what you did alright.

~

BEING EIGHT

He did what he did – I was eight

He came into my bed – I was alone

I told him no – he ignored me

I pushed him away – he persisted

I wanted to ask why – I was silent

He used me – I was his rag doll

He had control – I was eight.

~

Like an invisible wall you trap me

Like an invisible hand you pin me down

Like a silent voice you frighten me

Like a robot you control me..

GIVE MY LIFE BACK TO ME.

 

“No matter how old or what relationship you have to your abuser, abuse is wrong and it needs to be heard…we can hope that we can break the taboos surrounding abuse and educate the children and people , what to watch out for in kids and to notice it may not just be a moody teenager perhaps it goes deeper than that , never be afraid to ask the question if you feel someone may be abused better to be embarrassed than live in denial and silence”…Christina Moore