SUPPORT FOR THE PARTNERS OF SURVIVORS…

For quite some time I have been aware of the lack of support, advice and guidance for the partners of survivors. You are as much a part of the journey as the person who is healing from the effects of childhood sexual abuse. It can be devastating for partners of those who have been abused to come to terms with what has happened to the person they love. Just as it is a real maze for survivors to find their way through, it is also difficult for partners. It is not something that any of us are taught how to manage should it come up. It is important that you also have sources of support and people you can talk to about your own feelings which may arise as you support your loved one…as you journey together. On this page I will try to give you as many resources as I can find to help you towards better understanding and support.

You need to look after your own emotional well being, ensuring you also have the support you may need. Making sure you don’t burn yourself out emotionally because that will not help either of you. You are not expected to have all the answers and to be able to ‘fix’ everything. Sometimes survivors don’t need you to try to understand them, sometimes they just need you to love them regardless.This is a journey for both of you, your emotional needs are important too.

KEEPING YOUR RELATIONSHIP ALIVE & HELPING THE RECOVERY…

There are many things you can do, but they could be condensed into seven points:

• Offer a break from the conversation if things get too heated. Safety in the relationship is critical.

• Pay attention to what you’re feeling and put it to words, if you aren’t sure then say so instead of remaining silent.

• Face the problems and work on solutions while staying sensitive to your partner – sometimes it’s best to defer things a while

• Don’t respond in kind and try not to take it personally (the anger is most likely for the abuser)

• There will be some very stressful times so learn how to deal with it.

• You’re in a tough situation that requires a lot of emotional energy; you won’t do everything perfectly even if your partner sometimes expects that. Care for your own physical and mental well-being so that you can be a supportive partner.

• Accept your partner for who they are.

• Be sure to take care of yourself – get some counselling of your own, find understanding & supportive friends, keep doing things that refresh and renew your spirit; good self-care is essential.

HOW YOU CAN HELP YOUR PARTNER…

Cloud Call out: FROM SURVIVORS

The first thing I did when I set out to build this web page for you…I asked survivors what it is they want/need from their partner as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse to help them to heal. A very common theme in answer to this question was to listen to them…to give them time…to have patience…but here are some survivors responses in their own words…of course everyone is different this is not a ‘one size fits all’ approach but I do think its a valuable insight and you may find something which could help you in your own situation….

I want them to know that our feelings are VALID, no matter how strange or irrational they may seem. I want to hear “I understand you are feeling this way, what can I do?” and then I want him to accept that sometimes my answer is “Nothing.”

“To understand, to at least try to understand. To be sensitive to our triggers. To be our friend and always have our back”

“Educate themselves, have patience and respect”

“I think more than anything they need to listen…listen really hard…not give up on us when we start going “crazy” through triggers and so forth”

“Not to judge and not to throw it back at you in an argument”

“Understand that not wanting touch/sex or freezing does not imply that u don’t love them …. it’s just where you are at right now”

“To listen even if they have heard the same thing 100′s of times, we need to be able to repeat it until what ever it may be, doesn’t have the same painful hold”

“That they can play a huge role in reassuring us when we face these fears rather than judging our behaviours and reacting to them. I know there are still times I act out. My behaviour seems entirely rational to me at the time. A hug, affection and reassurance count for so much at these times”

“To never bring it up in an argument and to be respectful of boundaries or triggers. And to never, ever say “get over it already! It was so long ago!”

“Mostly I would ask that someone have patience with me….they may get ‘fed up’ with abuse BUT I have to live it & if I could ‘get over it’ forget the past’ I WOULD! Honesty is so important as is trust. But real honesty…not 1/2 hearted honesty”

“Love, patience, understanding & help. Because its not just the abuse that affects us, its the way we have tried to cope and what has happened to us since it happened as well”

“Allowing me to travel into the depths of this stuff without feeling like they need to rescue me. I’m sure it is different for everyone on this but I will travel deep into the dark part…s and it may look like I’m losing it, but I always come back. Without those dark moments, I could not get through what I need to. The more I hold back and try not to go there, the harder it gets the next time. I know it isn’t easy for my partner to see this but he’s great about allowing me the space to go where I need to go”

“Just being there is enough, support is enough, saying I love you is enough. Sometimes we are in a zone that it takes a while to move”

“To understand that no matter how strong we appear on the outside”

“If they are lucky they will never know what it feels like to suffer abuse or rape….The understanding I mean is that which says “I can’t begin to even imagine what you have been through and are now going through in your recovery but I do understand that you are going through a great deal of mental pain and I am here to support you through everything that comes”

“Telling us we are beautiful & special sometimes isn’t helpful…our abusers may have told us this time & again…but everyone is different so ask her is it okay to tell you these things”

“Be patient for I am going as fast as I can. Be understanding for I am growing/ doing the best I can. Be tolerant Cause the computer and communicating on it with people like me has helped me more than years of therapy. Know that …you cannot carry my burden and I am the only one who can fix me by getting rid of stuff that I learned and was appropriate at the time. Don’t be afraid I am not growing away from you (wife) just growing within me. Be supportive when I do share with you because in some way it is important for me to do so even if I can’t explain why”

What We Would Like You to Know About Us.

1. We grew up feeling very isolated and vulnerable, a feeling that continues into our adult lives.

2. Our early development has been interrupted by abuse, which either holds us back or pushes us ahead developmentally.

3. Sexual abuse has influenced all parts of our lives. Not dealing with it is like ignoring an open wound. Our communication style, our self-confidence, and our trust levels are affected.

4. Putting thoughts and feelings related to our abuse “on the back burner” does not make them go away. The only way out is to go through these emotions and process them.

5. Our interest in sexual activity will usually decline while we are dealing with this early trauma. This is because:
— we are working on separating the past from the present.
— pleasure and pain can sometimes be experienced simultaneously.
— it is important for us to be in control, since control is what we lacked as children.
— sometimes we need a lot of space. Pressuring us to have sex will only increase our tension.

6. We often experience physical discomforts, pains, and disorders that are related to our emotions.

7. We often appear to be extremely strong while we are falling apart inside.

8. There is nothing wrong with us as survivors — something wrong was DONE to us.

9. Sometimes others get impatient with us for not “getting past it” sooner. Remember, we are feeling overwhelmed, and what we need is your patience and support. Right now, it is very important for us to concentrate on the past. We are trying to reorganize our whole outlook on the world; this won’t happen overnight.

10. Your support is extremely important to us. Remember; we have been trained to hold things in. We have been trained NOT to tell about the abuse. We did not tell sooner for a variety of reasons: we were fearful about how you would react, what might happen, etc. We have been threatened verbally and/or nonverbally to keep us quiet, and we live with that fear.

11. Feeling sorry for us does not really help because we add your pain to our own.

12. There are many different kinds of people who are offenders. It does not matter that they are charming or attractive or wealthy. Anybody — from any social class or ethnic background, with any level of education– may be an offender. Sexual abuse is repetitive, so be aware of offenders with whom you have contact. Do not let them continue the cycle of abuse with the next generation of children.

13. We might not want or be able to talk with you about our therapy.

14. We are afraid we might push you away with all our emotional reactions. You can help by: listening, reassuring us that you are not leaving, not pressuring us, touching (WITH PERMISSION) in a nonsexual way.

15. Our therapy does not break up relationships – it sometimes causes them to change as we change. Therapy often brings issues to the surface that were already present.

16. Grieving is a part of our healing process as we say goodbye to parts of ourselves.

(source freeweb.com/healingabuse)