FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS…

Q. I just found out that my partner was sexually abused as a child – what should I do now?

If you haven’t already, thank your partner for telling you about the abuse. At this time, it’s probably best to do a lot of listening instead of asking questions. Take a look at some of the books listed above or you can also find more information on the internet (see the links below)…these may answer some of the questions you have and also allow you to see that you are not alone in this situation. Your partner may need a lot of reassurance from you following the disclosure. You will both need time to adjust and begin to find a pathway to healing, there are no quick fixes, don’t try to rush, take things at your partners pace.

Q. Why ‘survivors’ instead of ‘victims’?

Those who have been sexually abused as children are indeed victims, and they can also be survivors. They can move forward, facing issues and working through them, and moving towards their authentic selves – this is surviving, thriving and living a fuller life.

Q. How many people have been sexually abused as children?

Unfortunately, this abuse is pervasive and it does affect millions of adult relationships. Statistics suggest 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men have been sexually abused.

Q. How does this abuse affect survivors when they are adults?

Some research suggests that survivors are more likely to have P.T.S.D (Post-traumatic stress disorder). Survivors may also have amnesia about the abuse, or they may have what’s called ‘dissociative identity disorder’ – multiple identities. They are also at higher risk for depression, addictions, intimacy and trust issues, and sexual dysfunction. Everyone is different though, and the effects of the abuse depend on a lot of other influences.

Q. How does this abuse affect survivors’ relationships?

Trouble with intimacy, control, and trust; behaviour boundaries and anxiety are some of the areas that are tough in a relationship with a survivor. These issues and the effects of things like addictions and depression can really take a toll on survivors’ relationships, and the partners who love them.

Q. What does a survivor’s recovery process look like, how long does it take?

Although the length of time varies, the recovery process will be measured more in years than in months. If the survivor is in therapy or counselling, things may get worse before they get better. Often a lot of sadness and anger surfaces, and the process will likely be difficult on your relationship. Therapy for survivors often excludes the partners; you might enter some couples-therapy along the way but most times you will be more of a spectator than a participant in the survivor’s therapy process.

Q. My survivor told me about the abuse, but swore me to secrecy – what should I do now?

It’s important for you to be able to talk about the situation and how it affects your life; it’s critical to your own mental-health and well-being. Of course this is a very serious and sensitive issue for survivors and it’s natural for them to want some protection. Talk with your survivor about your need to disclose this to others for your own good, for your own well-being. You might suggest that you agree on who you will talk to about this, and mutually select some trusted friends or family. You could approach those friends and family together or separately to reinforce the sensitive nature of the disclosure of the abuse. You might also decide to talk only to a professional counsellor about this; they deal with sensitive issues every day and are accustomed to keeping their client relationships in confidence. Whichever route you choose, it is critical that partners be able to share their journey with someone they can trust, with someone who can provide some relief and support.

(Partly internet sourced from ‘Support For Partners’)

What We Would Like You to Know About Us.

1. We grew up feeling very isolated and vulnerable, a feeling that continues into our adult lives.

2. Our early development has been interrupted by abuse, which either holds us back or pushes us ahead developmentally.

3. Sexual abuse has influenced all parts of our lives. Not dealing with it is like ignoring an open wound. Our communication style, our self-confidence, and our trust levels are affected.

4. Putting thoughts and feelings related to our abuse “on the back burner” does not make them go away. The only way out is to go through these emotions and process them.

5. Our interest in sexual activity will usually decline while we are dealing with this early trauma. This is because:
— we are working on separating the past from the present.
— pleasure and pain can sometimes be experienced simultaneously.
— it is important for us to be in control, since control is what we lacked as children.
— sometimes we need a lot of space. Pressuring us to have sex will only increase our tension.

6. We often experience physical discomforts, pains, and disorders that are related to our emotions.

7. We often appear to be extremely strong while we are falling apart inside.

8. There is nothing wrong with us as survivors — something wrong was DONE to us.

9. Sometimes others get impatient with us for not “getting past it” sooner. Remember, we are feeling overwhelmed, and what we need is your patience and support. Right now, it is very important for us to concentrate on the past. We are trying to reorganize our whole outlook on the world; this won’t happen overnight.

10. Your support is extremely important to us. Remember; we have been trained to hold things in. We have been trained NOT to tell about the abuse. We did not tell sooner for a variety of reasons: we were fearful about how you would react, what might happen, etc. We have been threatened verbally and/or nonverbally to keep us quiet, and we live with that fear.

11. Feeling sorry for us does not really help because we add your pain to our own.

12. There are many different kinds of people who are offenders. It does not matter that they are charming or attractive or wealthy. Anybody — from any social class or ethnic background, with any level of education– may be an offender. Sexual abuse is repetitive, so be aware of offenders with whom you have contact. Do not let them continue the cycle of abuse with the next generation of children.

13. We might not want or be able to talk with you about our therapy.

14. We are afraid we might push you away with all our emotional reactions. You can help by: listening, reassuring us that you are not leaving, not pressuring us, touching (WITH PERMISSION) in a non sexual way.

15. Our therapy does not break up relationships – it sometimes causes them to change as we change. Therapy often brings issues to the surface that were already present.

16. Grieving is a part of our healing process as we say goodbye to parts of ourselves.

(source freeweb.com/healingabuse)